Deep Thoughts- A Personal Entry

Don’t feel obligated to read this at all. Really. I just have some things to get off my chest and this is the best place for me to do it. šŸ™‚

So today I went for my well-woman check up. While there, the PA, who I adore, mentions I hadn’t called her back in regards to my ultrasound results. This immediately caught my attention for two reasons. Ā One, how could I have missed that? And two, well, they don’t call if everything is okay.

She went on to tell me that it came back abnormal and they were going to need to do another ultrasound, followed by an MRI if needed.

I was still stuck on the abnormal part. I finally asked her what she meant, even though I had a pretty damn good idea. I’ve been around this block once before myself, and experienced it with close friends.

She explained to me I have a mass that they need to examine further. Another ultrasound would be performed to see if it the mass has increased in size and to determine if it is a cyst, or a solid growth. If they can not tell from the ultrasound, the next step would be an MRI, then a gyno and then a biopsy.

I was still stuck in the part about the mass.

Apparently it is only 2 cms in size, which bodes very well for me, she explained. If itĀ is the word of which we do not speak, then chances are everything will be fine, since it’s so tiny its very new.

Uh-huh.

She tells me not to worry and proceeds with my exam.

I’m lying there spread eagled, contemplating what this really means. I had pre-“that word” cells once before, and between the removal of them and the results of the all clear- I was a fucking wreck.

This is a little bit different. There is actually somethingĀ there that could alreadyĀ beĀ “that word“.

As I left the office I texted my bff.

Ultrasound results back. Small mass found.

Instead of responding, she called. I knew she would. I stood there with tears streaming down my face in the lobby while we talked through it. Neither of us usedĀ that word because we aren’t about to jinx me. We both agreed if the doctors wereĀ worried they would go right to the MRI and skip the second ultrasound. They also would have called me in much sooner, rather than wait 6 weeks from my ultrasound. Apparently they wanted to wait that long before they did it again anyways, just to see if it has grown.

A bit later while I sat in my car, pulling myself together to go see my mom, I received a text from my other bff.

Are you okay?

How do I even respond to that? I wasn’t okay and I amĀ notĀ okay. But I know just as well as the next person that being positive about something like this is sometimes the only thing that saves your ass, besides God granting you a miracle.

I will be-Ā I wrote.

I’m reminded of the hot July afternoon when I received a phone call from my late best friend. She apologized to me before she told me she was dying. She apologized because she felt terrible for making me sad. She fucking apologized because she was dying. I don’t want to everĀ make that sort of phone call to my friends, my family.

I refuse to say any of the negative stuff out loud, but I sure as hell have to get it off my chest.

I watched my best friend fuckingĀ dieĀ of stage 4Ā glioblastomaĀ not even six months after she was diagnosed. She had just turned 31. She was newly married, had just finished her residency (she got bored of being a dentist and decided to become anĀ MD) and literally had her whole life ahead of her. She made it just past her one year wedding anniversary. Died on Easter.

My mom’s best friend is currently battling the pancreatic form forĀ the second time and was told at this point there is nothing more they can do for her. She has months, if that.

My childhood friend’s mother died of it New Years Day 2012, at 12:01am. She held on long enough so her husband would get one more social security check of hers, since she brought in the larger amount.

Another dear friend’s mother is bravely fighting andĀ devastatinglyĀ losing her battle.

It is every where around us, it scares me more than HIV or AIDS. You can take steps to protect yourself from these autoimmune diseases. You have no way of knowing ifĀ IT will strike you, or when. There isĀ nothing you can do to stop it. No drug, no vitamin- no matter how fucking healthy you are, if you are chosen itĀ will happen.

So this is me, being honest, being dark and being fucking scared out of my mind. I am terrified I have it. I have a bad, bad feeling about it. I’ve never, ever been able to imagine myself as an adult, growing up, having kids and getting married–and I honestly wonder if this is why. If this is why I took out a huge ass life insurance policy five years ago-one that I can actually cash out and enjoy if IĀ am terminally ill. If this is why I wound up with a ridiculously large settlement for my hand injury. If this is why I haven’t had children. If this is why I haven’t settled down.

I don’t know. If I was listening to my best friend right now, and she was telling me this was happening to her, I would tell her she is going to beĀ fine. That IĀ know she will be fine. And in my heart I would be certain she would be. I wish I had that same certainty for myself.

So that’s it. I allowed myself one moment, one day to let it out and be scared. Now I will burry it and move forward and be brave until I have a reason not to be. No matter how I am really feeling inside.

It is what it is.

Edited to add: I just bought myself the new MacBook Pro Retina. So here’s to more productive and less frustrating writing days. šŸ™‚

And mommy, I know you read this, don’t let this make you sad. We’ll be just fine.

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7 responses to “Deep Thoughts- A Personal Entry

  1. Hey Jen, just wanted to let you know that it’s ok to be scared, just don’t let the fear take over!! There is such a thing as the power of positive thinking and prayer. You are and will remain in my thoughts and prayers. In my line of work, I’ve seen that word work it’s scary evil magic, but I’ve also seen it defeated many times!! If it is that nasty evil word, it doesn’t have to be the end!! šŸ™‚ I’ll be around if you need to talk.

    • Thanks, BB. *hugs* I too believe strongly in prayer, and the power of positive thought. I think in order to get to that point I had to purge myself of all of the negative thoughts and feelings, and this was the only way I knew how to do it. šŸ™‚

  2. The power of positive thinking can be your friend if you let it. I know I’m not dealing with what your dealing with “YET” still in the looking/finding out stage. But they just found a mass on my back that I need an ultrasound for because “They are not sure” And they are trying to find out why my head/scalp is going numb constantly… I am using this positive thinking process and yes I hope and pray WE you and I will be ok but if not, I’m gonna live it up to the best I can because I don’t want my family and friends to be sad… I want them to shoot some patron and say what a funny bitch I am LOL… My thoughts and prayers are with you Jennifer and yes I’m gonna say it… wait for it…. You’ll be fine, I just know it…**smile**

    • Your ending remarks genuinely brought a true smile to my face. Thank you.
      I’m sorry that you are facing something so scary as well, and I will be praying for you and sending you positive thoughts. Please let me know, when you find out that you will be just fine as well. šŸ˜‰ XO

  3. Sending big hugs. I’m surprised they didn’t call you about this. You have every right to feel how you do, and as often as you need to.
    Your in my thoughts.

    • They actually did call me, on February 14th. Somehow I missed the message. I’m glad I did, because knowing me I would have worried and stressed for the whole month waiting for it to have been long enough to have the second ultrasound.

      Thanks for the hugs and kind words, bone. XO

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